


Hollow

by sugarandspace



Series: 3B fics [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Episode: s03e11 Lost Souls, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 04:03:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17932508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: “You know, I’m proud of you.”Magnus' thoughts during the conversation.





	Hollow

**Author's Note:**

> I posted a short thing on my [tumblr](http://sugarandspace.tumblr.com/post/183062583715/he-feels-humiliated-the-feeling-of-shame-sits)  
> last night, and wanted to expand it now when I had more time.

He feels humiliated. The feeling of shame sits heavy in his stomach, seeping up and holding his heart in a tight grip before reaching his head, not letting him escape the thoughts taking over his mind.

The great Magnus Bane, one of the strongest of his kind, both feared and respected. Now unable to protect the ones he cares about, unable to hold his own in a fight. Defenceless, and dependant on others.

He’s a liability now, unwanted on missions and unable to help. He sees the way the others look at him and fears what it will be like when the news reach the rest of the Shadow World.

He feels wrong in his own skin, more vulnerable than he has felt in decades - in a way that’s completely new. There’s something missing, there’s a void inside him that is aching and simply can’t be filled.

He thought losing the title of the High Warlock had been a hard thing to swallow, but it was nothing compared to losing his whole identity.

_“You know, I’m proud of you.”_

The words are meant to be supportive but Magnus isn’t able to hear them as such. He hears pity when there is none, imagines a condescending tone to them because that’s what he feels like he deserves. Good on you, for not getting yourself killed while we figured the situation out. I’m proud of you, for hanging on long enough for us to save you.

That is not power.

Not like he’s used to. It’s not even close to what he could have done with his magic. The situation would never have escalated that far. He could have easily overpowered Iris, could have solved the situation in a matter of moments. Could have.

But couldn’t.

It was surviving, and even that hadn’t been painless. The physical injuries he sustained were minor - some bruising and a broken wrist - but the mental toll of Iris’ probing had been bigger than he let on. He had centuries’ worth of memories, but why was it that Iris’ magic was able to lift up so many that he’d tried to forget, or at least bury somewhere deep to never be touched again.

He lets Alexander turn him around, lets himself be kissed, but he can’t find the willpower to properly return the gesture. He feels off, and he fears that Alec can feel it too. He’s afraid that the heaviness of his sudden reality is weighing Alec down too. He’s unable to hold the eye contact for too long, fearing that Alec would see through the facade he’s holding up. So he lets Alec’s hand fall from his cheek as he turns away, trying yet again to make Alec see his side of the situation.

It’s like he’s apologising. For them having to rescue him, for being a burden and no longer helpful. He doesn’t say the words, but he makes sure Alec knows that he doesn’t like this, would much rather be able to look after himself.

And Alec responds with more kind words, with another attempt of comfort, and Magnus yearns to be able to take it in like he should.

_“You’ve been taking care of others your whole life.”_

But you can’t anymore, is what Magnus’ mind unhelpfully supplies.

_“Sometimes it’s okay to let others take care of you.”_

He wonders how many of those sometimes’ there will be.

He’s so used to taking care of himself, has done that ever since he was a child, has learnt the hard way that depending on others is not a reliable way to live. He remembers living on the streets, and he remembers depending on his father. A thought strikes him; maybe this was Asmodeus’ plan all along. To make Magnus feel vulnerable again, to make him feel like he needs his father’s help.  

It’s been a long day for Magnus - long couple of days, actually - and he doesn’t want to dwell on these thoughts anymore. He wants to believe the words Alexander is saying to him, wants them to bring the kind of comfort they are aiming for. He is tired, and he can’t handle the heavy conversation, the vulnerability, and the sadness.

So he changes the subject. He smiles and teases and watches as Alec’s lips turn into a smile as well. Magnus prefers the smile over the frown Alec’s been wearing a lot the past couple days. Magnus is not okay, but maybe if he pretends, the smiles won’t feel as forced anymore.

Maybe he can find a way to live with the emptiness.

**Author's Note:**

> I wonder how long it will take before I write a fluffy reaction fic.


End file.
